Dear little raspberry,
I think I just want to follow-up to your mommy's post about all that she is going through at this time, just so you will always know of the love we have for you, even before you make it here.
We know the world is far different than the one that we were born into. Some things will be far better. Many far worse. Regardless, your mommy and I decided to bring you here because we were confident that we could shelter and love you, and help you become the glorious being that you will become.
You are already such a little blessing in our lives. As our life has unfolded over the last few weeks, it becomes obvious that we were meant to be in this area, and that this was meant to be your home for your first years of life.
As your mommy has posted, I recently "matched" to stay here in Winston Salem at Wake Forest. Admittedly, this was not my first choice. Our first few moments of finding out that we were staying were somewhat of a shock. But, as we found more and more of our friends were staying with us, we felt an overwhelming sense of joy and excitement. And the more I pondered it, the more I am convinced that this is where we are meant to stay. I am so excited to be here. The program is amazing. The faculty is great. The residents are kind, genuine people. The friends of ours that are staying are wonderful people, who you will know and love.
And, what matters beyond all the rest, is that we put the decision in the hand of the Lord. Yes, a skeptic could say that it was in the hand of a mindless computer that dealt only with algorithms, but I think it goes beyond that. The time and effort that your mommy and I put into prayer, fasting, and just plain panicking, was recognized on high, and directed here on earth.
I still have moments where I pause and think - should I have done something different? Am I really meant to stay here? And the more I think about it, the more emphatically I can proclaim that I am happy and proud of the work I have done up to this point, and it was what was necessary to bring us to the here and now. I wouldn't change any of it. I studied hard, but I played hard. I played the role of a student very well, but it pales in comparison to the emphasis that I placed on being home for and with my wife and kiddos. Being a husband and father will always be more important to me than being a physician, and it will continue to be. The hours that I will put into becoming a physician will be worth it only because of the life that it will provide you and your siblings.
Little baby, know how much your mommy does for you. I don't think I've really known until now. For 3+ weeks now, mommy has been like Silly Sammy Slick (For you non-Dr.-Seuss-readers, that translates to "sick sick sick"). Luckily, she has not been vomiting as much as with her other pregnancies. Her day consists of waking up late, migrating to the couch, and feeling like just plain junk for most of the day, until she finally retires to her bed early.
And so... the job of the mom falls on the shoulders of the dad. And it is not a pretty site.
To be truly honest, I can almost keep up. Almost. But that's even when your mommy is still taking on the responsibility of paying the bills and other non-mobile tasks around the house. I am almost caught up on laundry. Almost caught up on the dishes. But if I rest for an hour or two, boom... the housework is behind again.
But, at the end of the day, your brother and sister are alive. They are fed, and they are (mostly) pretty happy. Charlie and Gracie are still trying to figure out how to respect each others' spaces, but they are friends for the most part. Gracie is becoming more and more grown up, and she knows it. She has such spunk and sass, and yet is such a sweet angel with a smile that can melt your heart. Your mommy still teases me how Gracie can still get anything from me if she really tries. Charlie is a kick. His curiosity makes him seem borderline rambunctious, yet his toothy smile and bright blue eyes defuse any anger that could well up.
So, here I sit, at the end of the day, thinking of you and your upcoming arrival. So much will happen between now and then, but nothing that will top the excited and blessed feeling when I hold you in my arms for the first time, and listen to your (hopefully) gentle cry (Charlie did not have this - I want to hear one again!).
Often, before I fall asleep, I think about how the next day will go, and I get scared. I fear waking up early with the kiddos, and hope that my attitude will remain kind. But when I am thinking of you, I realize that all of these things that I could pout about if I wanted - sleeping on a mattress on the floor or the couch, doing dishes all day, changing diapers, shuttling kids to the gym, going to and from school, making the meals, remembering the teeth to brush and the baths to give - are, first of all, everything that your mommy does day in and day out, and secondly, worth every moment if it means having the blessing of bringing your new life to this world.
So, good night my little raspberry. I sit here watching the ESPN ScoreCenter count down the final moments of an NCAA basketball tournament of a game that I don't care about, but await the results anyway. Don't worry, you will know sports well. At least football and basketball, which I love watching with my kiddos.
Love,
Daddy
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